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Good evening my wonderful readers! Before I get into my Seattle topic, have you all voted for your Fifty Shades scene, created by you? Poll closes on Thursday evening and I will post the winning scene on Friday. So vote now! Posts are to the left!
So, in my “Sleepless in Seattle” blog, I mentioned that Kelly and I are wishing/hoping/praying to make it back to Seattle sometime next year. I assume all of you reading this are as #GREYsessed as us, so imagine actually going to the birthplace of the Fifty Shades trilogy!! We’ve done in twice for Twilight. Two years ago to Portland, Oregon, where Twilight was actually filmed and then this year to Forks, Washington. Both were a Twihard’s dream come true. Picturesque and breathtaking doesn’t begin to describe the Northwest. And actually standing in the exact spots where Kristen, Rob, and Taylor did is pretty darn cool! (funny note-the tree scene where Edward takes Bella “above the clouds” to expose the blood-sucking disco ball that he is and where he says, “I am designed to kill.” and “You’re like a drug to me”, was filmed in the back parking lot of a restaurant. The rocks and trees are on a much smaller scale in real life. Movie magic at its best!) As I posted in “The Mothership”, our recent trip to Seattle/Forks gave us the ultimate Fifty fan experience by way of the Escala. We never actually realized it was a real building, or at least never gave it much thought. The only thing that may have topped that moment would’ve been finding out that Christian Grey was in fact for real. Imagine two grown women petting and rubbing this building, as if it were Aladdin’s lamp granting us three wishes. Oh, and what would those three wishes be? World peace, to lose the muffin top forever, or a Starbucks kiosk equipped with my own barista? All would be lovely, but I’m gonna go big and say 1-that Christian Grey was in fact alive and well upstairs in the penthouse. 2-That Christian Grey is waiting in the Red Room of Pain for Anastasia Steele. And 3. Oh, what a ka-winky-dink, my name is Anastasia Steele. So if you’ll excuse me, but I’ve got an elevator to catch. I can bet that Kelly has the same 3 wishes. As well as the majority of women who have read the books! Since we know those wishes are not going to happen anytime soon, the next best thing this crazy duo have promised to do is go back and do it Fifty Shades style. **Note to self-gotta start cutting back at Target. The husband is sitting here paying bills and I am in trouble with a capital T. Dang it, Target. Couldn’t your computers just happen to forget to bill me just once? Unhappy husband = more begging/pleading/crying about another Seattle trip. Wow, my Seattle buzz just got stomped on by the big bullseye that is Target. Ok, happy place, happy place….go to my happy place.
I’m back and ready to start this virtual trip. Well, after the lovely kidless and vomit free flight (yes, I get motion sick..alot. just looking at the ocean can put me in a tailspin) in first class, we are ready to hit the town running. And how are we going to do this? By renting an Audi of course! The silver Audi sport sedan convertible to be specific. How awesome will it be to go cruising with the top down while blasting some “Sex on Fire?”
It’s a step up from the Dodge silver bullet we drove the last visit, and if our inner-goddess is to come out swinging, then nothing but an Audi will do! And we aim to please the inner goddess!
Now, we all now that the Escala isn’t going to offer a room to the crazies, so we may have to slum it and stay at a nearby hotel or with Kelly’s friend again. But we will only be a hop away from the Kinky Kingdom, so we can go by as much as we want to stare and pet it as needed. Well, until our picture is posted on the door saying “If you see these 2 freaks, please let them know that Christian Grey does not live here.” All good, that’s what wigs and sunglasses are for. In fact, those will work well when we pose as potential residents of the Escala. Being our husbands are being transferred to Seattle to work at Grey Enterprises;) Ok maybe not but we will someway/somehow step foot into Emerald City. And actually, Kelly’s friend does know some lucky ducky person that lives there, so this scenario may come to fruition (grinning, big time!) There are some cushy sofas in the lobby that my Asian behind needs to sit on. I am sure at some point that Ana sat there, waiting for Christian or Taylor, right? So after Kelly and I have our Twinings’ English Breakfast tea as we sit next to the roaring fire, we make our way up to the (gasp!) penthouse. But first comes the elevator ride up. And really, what is it about elevators? Ms. James nailed it (hee hee) when she gave us those elevator scenes filled with such sexual tension.We will never be able to go up in one again without visions of “fuck the paperwork” dancing in our heads! Makes a girl want to spend the day going up and down in one, hoping to get lucky herself. Now, I’ve seen many pictures of the actual penthouse, and it can definitely pass as Christian’s pad. Cue the piano music, as we step inside and watch Fifty Shades of Grey come to life. The floor to ceiling windows, providing the entire Seattle skyline. And speaking of pianos, just looking at the piano brings not only beautiful and emotional music to my ears, but also “here’s where they got kinky” thoughts to my head. And would it be ok for me to just get on top of the piano for a quick photo op? Because I need to really see how comfortable or not it is up there while getting well,….ya know;) Then I think we should make our way to the massive kitchen and reenact Ana’s cooking. Or perhaps baking Fifty’s chocolate birthday cake? Either way, I will have the iPod on hand, with “Crazy in Love” http://youtu.be/KeY1cXY_xn0
ready on replay mode. And we can’t forget to take a peek into the bathroom and bedroom. Think a quick jump into the tub is an acceptable request? I’m thinking if I make it onto the piano, the tub’s a no-brainer. Oh, but I can’t actually fill it will lovely smelling bath gels and make my own Christian whirlpool? Too much? Ok, I’ll save that for the Heathman. Yes, girlfriends, put the top down, because the Audi is going for a ride!
Have any of you heard that the Heathman now offers “Fifty Shades” packages? For a mere $2700, you can get the “Charlie Tango package” This includes a helicopter ride, and dinner for six at the restaurant. Oysters, anyone? For that price, Christian Grey or his real-lfe twin better show up in the penthouse and ready to peel my plum dress off! But something tells me that we will be purchasing the $40 package that includes a bottle of the vintage wine from the books, and a commemorative silver tie. Ok, it’s no Charlie Tango experience, but still love that the hotel is embracing their new-found fame! I wonder how many women are just randomly walking into the lobby, just to ride elevator 3! I know I would if I lived there! And it’s probably a good thing I don’t because Crazy 1 and Crazy 2 (oh, Kelly and I if you didn’t guess), would be doing the stalker “Penthouse, please” ride on a daily basis until security caught on. But I think we can manage to get at least one ride up during our trip and not cause a scene. Well, that is if we can get all the pictures of us posing in the elevator as Ana. And while at the Heathman, we must have dinner. As we head to the bar, we envision Christian is there, waiting with his wine. Him in his white linen shirt, black jeans, tie and jacket. Leaning on the bar and looking ridiculously hot. Oh, wait! Ah ha moment just as I am typing… Let’s keep it real, before I go full fairytale on you, and acknowledge this PROBABLY won’t happen. Christian that is. BUT, Flat Christian can happen! We all know Flat Stanley right? Laminated cartoon guy that travels the world by way of every kid in elementary school.
But being the grown adult I am, I will have my adult version, named flat Christian. Genius!!!
Now we are talking. Being that Christian Bale is my Christian Grey, I can make mine look just that! Love a project, and imagine the photo ops. Flat Christian on the bar, in the elevator, and sitting at dinner with us. Hello, Flat Christian! Care for oysters, asparagus, black cod, and crushed potatoes with hollandaise sauce? Hmm, wonder if that’s actually on the menu. Must Ask! Then must take a picture of us wining and dining with FC! Don’t think I’ve gone full whack-a-doodle yet? You will when I just got another “she’s gone nuts” idea…Flat Stanley- colorforms style!! Remember colorforms? Flat playsets where you could make your own scenes or styles over and over again with the reusable pieces? That’s what we need for Flat Christian!We need the ripped jeans, silver tie, and CEO-suits, right? I am thinking small pieces of velcro makes for quick wardrobe changes! I know you are all doing the Ana eye roll. Because you probably practice it anyways “just in case”, and I know you are imagining yourself with a flat Christian but won’t admit it! (tip: admitting you’re crazy is the first step! Loud and proud girls! Group rate at the looney bin is available.) So eye roll all you want, but when I post pics of FC, you are going to wish for your own Colorforms set yourself! Don’t worry, I take all major credit cards and Paypal too;)
So, sounds like I have got my to do list before I can take off and morph into Ana. First, Target has got to burn down or something like it. Second, get Kelly’s friend to get us into the Escala. Third, price out the Audi rental. Fourth, buy a plum dress. http://youtu.be/ArDXxTsJJoo
(side note: added “freakum dress”, by Beyonce here. couldn’t help it. Here’s just a few lines. “Cause when he’s acting wrong/that’s when you put it on/Oh been on him uptight/Oh this is your song/Oh hold out your back/Oh time to impress/Pull out your freakum dress.” love.it.)
Come on, how ridiculously funny would it be to prance through the Heathman in that dress? Well, actually if Kelly has one on too, we’d look just plain ridiculous. Okay, fifth-rock, paper, scissors with Kelly for wearing of the plum dress. Sixth-start working on Flat Christian. Because all that wardrobe takes time. Especially if we are to make a mini silver tie using actual material.How cute, a mini tie! It’s going to be a mini-me Christian! So not truly not a flat Christian, because we are upgrading with some dimension, and accessories.(thinking blackberry, flogger, Charlie Tango toy, only smaller and made of paper). Yes, this idea is awesome, if only for great pictures that will seal the deal for my kids future with a therapy couch. Oh, and seventh-buy a wig and glasses. Or some sort of costume so we can outwit the entire Seattle security force, and be unrecognizable in the inevitable mug shots. It’s all good though. What’s the motto, my loyal readers? No, it’s not, “Is it me or is she crazy?” good one though. It’s “loud and proud”, and I will go down with that in mind- or at least what’s left of it! Besides, I plan to video us embracing this entire show of freakdom, and will be great footage when Ellen hears about our adventure and later arrest. Then she’ll be begging for us to come on the show (finally) and tell our story. Yes, I said FINALLY. Because I am about to go full throttle on you deserving readers. Deserving to hear what is the true level of freakdom that Kelly and I have been pursuing in the last month or so. Yes, it involves Ellen. Are you ready to hear it, free of judgement and calling of men in white jackets? Ok, then stay tuned…………………….